I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you traded sex for a burrito?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
