I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
