is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize