A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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