My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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