Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
