So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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