It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
