I wish they made helmets for livers.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
