I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
