May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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