I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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