Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
