Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
