Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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