It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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