She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
