Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
