Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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