I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
