Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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