I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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