You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
