How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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