I wish I could teleport
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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