dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
