she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
