she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
