You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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