He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
