If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The best revenge is premature balding
i came on her dog
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
