allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
