His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
