i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
