You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
