I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Everyone says I win the strip club
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
