I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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