They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
