Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
