My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Best friends brother. Beat that.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
