none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
