your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
