EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
