So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I want to fling myself into the sun
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
