It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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