if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
