At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
