I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Operation Purity has been aborted
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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