Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
