he thought i was a dude.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
