i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
