Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
