Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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