But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
