i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
