I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
