She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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