I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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